The Process

Written July 17, 2018

Man O Man the process... I find myself questioning this very thing. For the past 5 days I’ve been taking a close look at the life of Joseph and the process that he had to go through to get to the palace (read Genesis 37-50).The pit was unfavorable, the jail was unfavorable, being away from his father was unfavorable. Revenge, jealousy, envy, and hate carried him to Egypt but God kept him there. In the process he remained faithful to God. In the story not once do we see him begging God to remove the obstacles that we’re standing right at his doorstep.

So I had to ask myself why do I? Why do I want the easy way, no pain, no games, no hardships, no trials, no struggle just pure easy happiness.

But what if pure happiness comes with a price? Do I still want it? Do I suck it up when a trial comes my way so that in the end I can come out the way God sees fit for me to be?

Today I spent some times at the beach with God just reflecting and getting clarity about my life and “THE PROCESS”. Here I am 26 (almost 27) years old with a four year old co parenting with the person who I trusted when we we’re children to protect me no matter what. No matter the cost, no matter what we went through. I trusted him to be the one who wouldn’t dare to break my heart because when we were teenagers he would make sure I wouldn’t get hit by a train when crossing the tracks going to high school football games and look out for me in general like a big brother. He cared then and I expected him to always care. Funny how life turns a course on us.

A few months after I gave birth to my daughter, he found out that someone else was having his child as well. That crushed me! No we weren’t together but I trusted him to be responsible, my hope was in him. Not knowing that that would be what it took for me to hear God and even dare to try to develop a relationship with Him, to put my hope in Him. Which help me to grow past a lot of things.

Don’t get me wrong there have been some trials within the last four years. A little over a month ago I almost lost it because he decided he wanted our daughter to stay with him at his son’s mothers house. That was a tough pill for me to swallow. I couldn’t understand how someone can purse you so hard one day and when you make the decision that it may not be the best thing for you they can jump to the next. I felt bamboozled y’all.

I know, I know, I’m being real transparent but I’m hoping it’ll help someone. So my initial response was NO! and of course I had my reasons. But after I calmed down and allowed the Holy Spirit to talk to me all I could feel in my spirit was to let her go, I listened, I let her go but it wasn’t a easy night for me. It didn’t change the fact that I felt betrayed, I cried, I talked about it, I talked about him assasinating his character, I soaked and then I went out to dinner with one of my close friends and we laughed. I need that!

It wasn’t easy trust me but now here we are a month and some change later and by the grace of God I have no ill feelings inside when her father takes her for the weekend. Lately I’m asking him what days is he coming to pick her up and I’m glad to send her but that’s only by God’s Grace and His guidance.

Peyton’s 3rd Birthday holding a present from her dad

You know when you pray and ask God for something you always think it’s going to come one way but it ends up coming another.Even though it hurts it also causes something different to happen inside of us as well. It causes GROWTH. I use to pray to God when my daughter’s father was incarcerated for time to myself and here He was giving it to me but not in the way I expected it. Lol God is a character, funny man.

Through this specific situation I prayed several times asking God to heal me from any scars or wounds because I felt like a wound that had been healing was just peeled off again, and now I would have to feel the stinging while I heal.

My healing didn’t start happening though until I apologized to her father for bashing him. Whether he was wrong or not that didn’t give me the okay to talk bad about him. And yes it was hard for me to do, but it’s all for my good. I’m learning to trust God when I’m in the pit so that he can trust me when he brings me to the palace.

There are situations that God is intrusting us with because he wants to see if we will endure hardship or are we going to through in the towel especially in unfavorable situations.

Trust Him! He’s going to see you through.

Let’s push through “the process”

Be sweet 🍯

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